I’ve delayed this update until now due to excessive drinking over the weekend, resulting in a bad head. The night also caused a serious bout of resentment which I shall explain as I go along.
The funny thing about being broke is the desire to escape the reality of the situation by any means necessary. This leads many people to alcohol, the weaker of which become full blown alcoholics. I’m different, I think, because although I like the escapism of drinking excessively at the moment, I’ve always been tea total in and around the home and only drink socially. I don’t particularly like the taste of alcoholic drinks and see them only as a means to an end.
Anyway, the good owners at Churchills sell cheap drinks every Friday night and my friend, Len and I are regulars of said establishment. The way I see it, I cannot escape the reality of not being able to pay the rent and this will come to a head soon, so I may as well enjoy my last weekends out while I can.
A bit about Len. Len is the most unattractive man I have ever known. His lack of hygiene is legendary amongst his long term friends and being my landlord and us living in the same dwelling, I can confirm every story. He is quite disgusting on every level. When he farts, he doesnt just fart, he produces something that can only be described as one of the modern wonders of this world in a prolonged, (sometimes up to 30 seconds), very wet, steaming, stinking, stomach turning, fresh air shit in his pants fart that cannot be excused in any circles. No man can produce such a phenomenon without the occasional follow through and Len is no different. This is a man that has to dispense with underwear during nights out after such occurrences, opting to limp to the toilets as though nursing a dead leg but actually nursing a shit in his pants.
Amongst Lens other traits are a total lack of respect for himself or anyone else, especially women. He goes on nights out with one thing in mind – getting laid and has a technique that I can only describe as crash, bang, wallop – setting his sights on the most intoxicated women, pouring more alcohol down the throat of any women that allows him and then pulling her into a taxi. He is a real life ‘Sid the Sexist’ and some women find it quite amusing until they realise he IS actually f*ucking like that. It goes without saying that every woman he ever cons into bed, usually leaves the next morning, early and never wants to grace his presence again. We actually rarely see them again which either means he’s also a serial killer or the night of abuse they have just been subjected to has given them a much needed wakeup call.
However, Friday was different, hence my resentment as I’m about to explain.
We’d been in Churchills for about an hour when Len spots an opportunity. It isn’t straight forward though because its 4 young girls (21), one of which gave me her number 6 months ago and I never contacted her. Len’s spotted the prize, which happens to be an attractive friend of theirs, who wouldn’t look twice at Len in any parallel universe but for some reason tonight, he’s having some success following her around, not taking no for an answer. By success, I mean she hasn’t threatened to call the police as yet, which does sometimes happen. She avoids him and she and I talk but her friend, my former reject is watching with interest. I back off to avoid an awkward situation and Len moves in with the second phase of his strategy, dragging her onto the dance floor away from me or any other attractive male! He always settles for the deepest reaches of the dance floor and smoothers his pray like a human anaconda, only allowing her to surface for air for phase three of his strategy, intoxication. An absolutely essential element to his plan is not allowing her anywhere near her friends for the rest of the evening. This would only ruin what he has in stall for her because her friends would talk sense into her. Usually, I’ll not see him again after phase two and once he commences phase four, its all over, the anaconda is about to devour its pray and the process of dragging her into a taxi is a formality due to intoxication. She isn’t allowed to say goodbye to friends for earlier stated reason.
My resentment is over the fact that 1. She is hot. 2. He is disgusting. 3. I’m going home alone to have 1 + 2 rubbed in my f*ucking face. Not to mention the fact that for some reason she’s loving the attention from him and remains in our house all weekend shagging him like a rabbit. He surfaces every couple of hours to brag to me in detail about what they’re doing together and I get the hump and have to go for long walks just to get out of the house.
On top of all that, I tell my ex what has happened and she further ruins my weekend by getting jealous of the girl Len is shagging because I think she’s hot. I really cannot f*ucking win at this point.
Michael