Posts Tagged: Nikolai Valuev

Business / Freelancers — No Comments
9
Nov 09

Don’t Trust the Indians…or Asians in General

…or Eastern Europeans for that matter. To make such a sweeping statement, I’m either an advocate for ethnic cleansing or I’m a victim of what is the newest scam on the block – IT Freelancers.

It seems to me that the latest and easiest method of lifting someone’s leg up is the act of advertising services via the internet that you have no hope of ever delivering, at a more than reasonable price, to be paid for up front by unsuspecting f*cking idiots, like me. It’s quite simply genius and unless I’m prepared to fly to Kathmandu for the return of my £100, I’m f*cked. The only satisfaction I’ve ever had as a result of these scams is my eventual email to the perpetrator, Subject: You B*stard.

The problem is that we in the west have much higher expectations than our friends in the east. In India, you only have to read the first page of dummy’s guide to HTML and you’re classed as a Web Designer. This is evident if you’ve ever had anything developed in India and it comes back looking like a dog’s dinner. They just don’t GET requirements in western terms and it’s no wonder half the time because they can’t speak English, and yet as though part of some cruel f*cking joke, insist on communicating in ENGLISH. Needless to say, communication is awful but consistently awful, which remains the only thing they do consistently.

Disclaimer: I am only referencing every Asian or Eastern European person that works in the IT industry in Asia and Eastern Europe. I am not making a sweeping statement unless ‘sweeping statement’ could be interpreted by the words ‘every Asian or Eastern European person’. In any case, I make no apologies and only yesterday I insulted the monster that is Nikolai Valuev and if I’m not scared of him, so I’m certainly not scared of you.

Note to Nikolai Valuev: Should you ever read my review of your physical attributes, please email me at Michael@selfmademichael.com to arrange a suitable time for you to break my body in two. I promise I’ll wait in for you and won’t consider for one moment, leaving the country.

Michael

Sport — No Comments
8
Nov 09

The Beast from the East

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Last night I watched the long awaited fight between David Haye and Nikolai Valuev for the WBA Heavyweight world championship. Both fighters are remarkable in different ways, either way resulting in neither of them being that likeable.

Haye invokes emotions not seen since the hay(e)day (forgive the pun) of Prince Naseem Hamed, whereas you want him to win because he’s British but if he loses its just as satisfying because he’s a f*cking prick.

I thought this to be the best opportunity to use images with my post and went about looking for some gruesome pictures of Nikolai Valuev, only to realise they’re all f*cking gruesome. Nikolai Valuev is quite simply a freak of nature, if indeed he was conceived naturally and not a result of some experiment. His appearance is so hideous it reminds me of the man eating mythological beasts the Greek gods inflicted onto the earth for the sins of all humans. I keep imagining him with a pair of legs hanging out of his mouth. Without over egging the custard, this is a f*cking ugly man and I’m left wondering whether his own mother would own up to being responsible for him or try to claim he was adopted. I bet he gives his own kids nightmares.

His head appears to be sculptured from solid rock by a being with little or no previous sculpting experience, a blunt chisel, and only the hint of what a human should look like.

His body deserves a special mention in itself for being quite animal like, with thick hair and a stomach that wouldn’t look out of place in a post natal check-up. At 7’ 2”, If he was to trip up, he’d be half way home and he must be the only boxer in the world to skip using a f*cking washing line. Combine the animal like body, its 23 stone weight and the kind of sweat a man of 23 stone would dispel and you have something that would put you off your dinner for years. I’m genuinely surprised more boxers don’t request he keeps his f*cking shirt on.

Anyway, Haye being Haye, he gives it big bollocks for weeks before the fight, I’m going to do this and I’m going to do that and actually doing neither. He appeared to shit himself from the first bell and if points were given out for running away from someone, Haye won it hands down. Any time Valuev did catch up with him, I could clearly see him looking outside of the ring for somewhere soft to throw himself.

Why aren’t boxers more honest? If I were a boxer and was interviewed prior to fighting a f*cking monster like Valuev, Id be saying, ‘he’s a really nice man’, ‘I can’t imagine him hurting anyone’, ‘I hope we can become friends’, ‘I consider him one of my closest friends already’… etc..

Do I think I’m going to knock him out? ‘No, I wouldn’t want us to hurt each other as I have far too much respect for him’

Do I have any special requirements? ‘Yes, could we use a bigger boxing ring?’

How big do you wish the boxing ring to be? ‘Well, normally there are two people in the boxing ring and several thousand people occupying the space around it. Can we change that around, please?’

Michael