Unemployment

Unemployment — 16 Comments
10
Nov 09

Unreasonable Zombies and the Southend Job Centre

It occurred to me this afternoon that people in general, not just zombies, are unreasonable most of the time. No matter what their circumstances, the fact is, people moan and whine on and blame other people for just about everything.

Today is my fortnightly appointment at the Southend job centre, an appointment god only knows why I keep considering I don’t receive anything in return.

So I’m sat there, waiting for my turn to be interrogated by the Gestapo when I suddenly realise that either 1. The world has come to an abrupt end 2. I’ve just happened across the entire cast of a Michael Jackson ‘Thriller’ tribute group or 3. The interplanetary time continuum device I’ve been working on for some time, is now working and I’ve just landed on f*cking Mars.

It really is a f*cking disgrace down there on a Tuesday afternoon. At one point, a fairly pleasant but unfairly reeking of stale fags and alcohol person sat next to me. Now it occurs to me at that moment in time that I’ve got hold of the shitty end of the stick, because while I’m having to endure his horrendous stench, he’s breathing in my f*cking expensive aftershave. That last statement pretty much sums up my time in the Southend job centre, because unless you smell horrendous and look like shit, you will never get to experience the sweet smell of a benefit cheque.

My attention is then drawn to one particular zombie because she feels as though she’s been hard done to and the staff are being unreasonable, and she wants everyone to know about it. Now, back to my point, this woman turns up looking like she’s just been f*cking dug up, is obviously high on one thing or another, and is stumbling about the place moaning and f*cking whining as if to say ‘I’m doing my best here to get a job and no-one is helping’. She’s acting like the Alzheimer’s patient that’s just left the house, gone shopping and dropped into the post office to pay some bills and hasn’t yet realised his f*cking pants are at home.

In all honesty, the only jobs befitting her current state would be that of a human riot shield or better still, a British infantrywoman serving in Afghanistan. If only the Taliban were to think for a second that the entire British infantry had been zombified as part of some military experiment, I can’t imagine they’d be f*cking stupid enough to carry on with their antics. It’s perfect – spread the rumour of the zombie army, commandeer the cinemas in Kabul and then play back to back the films ’28 Days Later’, ‘Day of the Dead’, ‘Dawn of the Living Dead’ and ‘Shaun of the Dead’. I’ve included ‘Shaun of the Dead’ to F*ck with the Taliban’s heads because they wouldn’t know whether to laugh or f*cking cry at that point. Win the War.

Michael

Relationships / Unemployment — No Comments
5
Nov 09

My Housemate is a Moron

So I’m sat at home preparing to get through some long overdue paperwork (I haven’t opened much of my mail recently) and I feel the urge to make myself a nice cup of tea. I wander into the kitchen and go through the motions of making myself the hot drink in question when I suddenly realise there is no sugar in the sugar pot. Now, this is quite strange because my f*cking idiot housemate, Len bought some sugar only last night. I know this because 1. I had several drinks and had an abundance of sugar at my disposal and 2. Len bought ‘half spoon’ sugar by accident and due to him being f*ucking mentally challenged, kept putting too much sugar in his drink, prompting him to react each time like someone had shit in his mouth.

Because Len is a complete f*ucking moron, it doesn’t take me long to piece the puzzle together. He’s obviously thrown out the new sugar without giving a moment’s thought to me and whether I might like it, which was evident last night when I was f*ucking using it.

Michael

Unemployment — 1 Comment
28
Oct 09

Jobseekers Allowance and Housing Benefit

There is once piece of advice I would give to anyone that has fallen on hard times and needs to claim benefits, only put in your claim when you are absolutley skint. This will ensure you receive benefits but the (at least) 3 month waiting time for the morons in Basildon (my case) to make a decision will no doubt f*ck you over anyway. However, I’d rather be f*cked for 3 months than indefinately.

You see, being an honest guy and having never claimed any benefits before in my life is no excuse for being an idiot. F*cking honest John here turns up with 8 large left in his company bank account and they think I shot the f*ucking Sherriff. I’d been tipped off about the 3 month waiting time, my job prospects were looking dimmer by the day and my company was hearmoraging money like it was Christmas and I thought…….get in early, be completely transparent….they’ll understand……did they f*ck.

My entire time in the Southend Jobcentre has been a nightmare, re-lived every fortnight, interrogated by a dickhead called Ian, who feels it is absolutely necessary to treat his ‘customers’ like dogs. Although, if I were as ugly as him, I’d be pretty pissed off too.

So, I recieved a phone call today informing me that my request for an overturn of the Basildon complex decision makers decision had been declined because I have money in my account. ‘F*cking where?’ I said…….She said, ‘you have 8 large in your account’ or words to that effect. I said, ‘I did in f*ucking July, its now nearly November’……anyway, to cut a long and miserable conversation short, they only consider any application for benefits at the time of the application. If you had money then, you have money now! and don’t even think about sending them up to date statements and stuff, they throw them away. They really do throw them away because they had a letter of complaint that I wrote, but conveniently not the current bank statements that were in the same f*ucking envelope.

Oh, and did I mention that if you’re rejected for Jobseekers allowance, you’re also rejected for Housing benefit? Well, you are, check f*ucking mate.

To summarise, when I heard I could claim benefits and how much I was entitled to, I couldn’t help wondering why there are so many people living on the streets but now I’ve been rejected of any benefits in what is a horrible system, unfair to anyone of integrity and lacking of any common sense or discretion, I now understand why people are homeless in this country. I’ll probably soon be joining them.

Michael