Online Marketing

Business / Just For Fun / Online Marketing — No Comments
26
Aug 10

Southend Amusements – The One Arm Bandit

It’s rather clichéd but I once said ‘I’ll be back’ and now I am. God knows how long for but for the time being, make the most of it because I may get bored again tomorrow.

Life has changed.  I’m now running two businesses, one fairly successful and the other a complete f*cking nightmare.  Problem is, the successful business of the two changes from week to week and I’m left thinking that it’s much like being part of gay orgy in the ‘daisy chain’ formation ‘the gays’ do, whereas it doesn’t matter where I am, I’m always getting shafted.

Anyway, enough of this gay talk, I received an email from one of my customers the other week. I’d sold him a wrist watch and now it’s broken and it’s my fault (his words).  Immediately, I dispatch a replacement and low and behold, he’s emailing me again. He says ‘these watches are crap’ – He’s a real f*ucking charmer.  Anyway, I ask what the issue is and he says ‘It’s impossible to set the time, they’re crap’. Now, I’ve sold 1000s of these watches and no-one has ever failed to set the time, so I tell him, ‘Now then, I’ve sold 1000s of these watches and everyone else has managed to set the time’

So he says ‘Yes, but I’ve only get one arm!’

This f*cking idiot is obviously sat there with the watch in one hand, trying to set the time with his f*cking teeth or something and he’s blaming me! Everyone knows setting the time on a watch is a two arm operation and I’ve never thought to ask anyone upon selling them a watch whether they have both f*cking arms.

DISCLAIMER:  ‘Whilst you need only one arm to wear this watch, you need two to set the f*cking time’

How the f*ck do you even put a watch on with one arm? I’ve just tried it and its impossible.

Anyway, this was a short update to announce my coming out…………of retirement, I think.

Keep it real

Michael

Business / Online Marketing — 1 Comment
29
Oct 09

An Adwords Specialist Contacts Me…

So it’s Thursday morning and I’m wondering where the week went, when I receive a phone call. Its a guy called Liam from this company or that and he doesn’t want to buy f*ck all, he wants to ruin my day by trying to sell me something. It’s not even something I would consider buying because its a complete scam and he thinks I’m just the dickhead to make his day. I’m not sure I’m more angry about it being a scam or that he thinks I’ll f*ucking fall for it.

Anyway, for those that don’t know, adwords is googles pay per click golden f*cking goose that allows them to place you right on the front page of relevant google searches. Anyway, its expensive and unless your website is out of this world or you’re a f*ucking genius, forget it, you’ll end up blowing more on adwords than you make in profit on any sales.

Anyway, he starts by reading out to me a carefully crafted script, designed to entice idiots like me into thinking this guy is the answer to all my prayers. He tells me intimate details about MY f*ucking adwords configuration as if he were logged onto it himself, and the convenient fact that its currently in a paused state because it near ruined me. I’m sure there is a data protection issue here, google, whereas some random schmuck called Liam can casually log onto my private adwords account and then have the cheek to contact me and offer to charge me to put it right. I wouldnt ask for my brick back if I threw it through someones window but I know a man that f*ucking would.

What is mildly amusing and really upsetting at the same time is that he then tells me my business has been specially selected by his company to receive their adwords services. I want to say ‘and what is your f*ucking selection criteria?, trawling pages 7, 8 and 9 on google and then looking for paused or stopped adwords accounts?’ Basically, these snakes are looking for companies languishing nowhere in google organic search listings and have, evidently unsuccessful adwords campaigns. Then they move in and promise the earth for a few hundred quid or more…..I never got to that stage, I politely told him to f*ck off.

On the plus side, I did receive an email about someone buying from me but as ever, his requirements are very bespoke and the last time I got an order like this it was a f*cking nightmare. It was an anniversary present for the customer’s husband and ended up costing me more than I made in profit. At least she liked the finished result, I f*ucking helped pay for it and the husband didn’t thank me either!

Michael