Business

Business / Just For Fun / Online Marketing — No Comments
26
Aug 10

Southend Amusements – The One Arm Bandit

It’s rather clichéd but I once said ‘I’ll be back’ and now I am. God knows how long for but for the time being, make the most of it because I may get bored again tomorrow.

Life has changed.  I’m now running two businesses, one fairly successful and the other a complete f*cking nightmare.  Problem is, the successful business of the two changes from week to week and I’m left thinking that it’s much like being part of gay orgy in the ‘daisy chain’ formation ‘the gays’ do, whereas it doesn’t matter where I am, I’m always getting shafted.

Anyway, enough of this gay talk, I received an email from one of my customers the other week. I’d sold him a wrist watch and now it’s broken and it’s my fault (his words).  Immediately, I dispatch a replacement and low and behold, he’s emailing me again. He says ‘these watches are crap’ – He’s a real f*ucking charmer.  Anyway, I ask what the issue is and he says ‘It’s impossible to set the time, they’re crap’. Now, I’ve sold 1000s of these watches and no-one has ever failed to set the time, so I tell him, ‘Now then, I’ve sold 1000s of these watches and everyone else has managed to set the time’

So he says ‘Yes, but I’ve only get one arm!’

This f*cking idiot is obviously sat there with the watch in one hand, trying to set the time with his f*cking teeth or something and he’s blaming me! Everyone knows setting the time on a watch is a two arm operation and I’ve never thought to ask anyone upon selling them a watch whether they have both f*cking arms.

DISCLAIMER:  ‘Whilst you need only one arm to wear this watch, you need two to set the f*cking time’

How the f*ck do you even put a watch on with one arm? I’ve just tried it and its impossible.

Anyway, this was a short update to announce my coming out…………of retirement, I think.

Keep it real

Michael

Business — 1 Comment
3
Dec 09

A Short Update…

I’m currently very busy and havent been able to spend time on this blog. A lot is going on in the background and I hope to make a comeback in the next couple of weeks.

To the shitbag that posted on the ‘forum’, this blog is a hobby and I will not take it down because of your f*cking antics, you f*cking coward. If you have something to say, say it to my face like I would you. You know who I am, you even know my phone number, so f*cking use it like a man, you prick.

Michael

Business / Relationships — 1 Comment
19
Nov 09

You know You’ve Lost a Bet When…

I’ve reached a decision on the ex last week and decided that she will remain the ex forever or until I find another girlfriend, who will no doubt become the ex at some stage in the future, whereas the ex will then become the ex ex. It’s all very complicated but you get the gist. The ex continually displays the traits of a psychopath and even this morning after my continued requests for her not to contact me anymore, she sent a text saying due to me not caring, she isn’t going to contact me anymore. The result being what I want but the method somehow going wrong, but right reminds me of the guy that tried to hang himself with his braces but ended up smashing himself to death on the ceiling.

My advice to anyone is…if you find yourself dating someone that attends AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), NA (Narcotics Anonymous) and CA (Cocaine Anonymous) simultaneously, for whatever reason, they’re not f*cking right. Run.

On informing Len of my decision, he bet me £50 that I’d go running back to her before Christmas. When I found myself bartering down the size of the bet, £10, £25, I realised I’d f*cking lost the bet already. My only hope is that I burn the bridge completely or I ask the ex to pay the £50.

Michael

Business / Freelancers — No Comments
9
Nov 09

Don’t Trust the Indians…or Asians in General

…or Eastern Europeans for that matter. To make such a sweeping statement, I’m either an advocate for ethnic cleansing or I’m a victim of what is the newest scam on the block – IT Freelancers.

It seems to me that the latest and easiest method of lifting someone’s leg up is the act of advertising services via the internet that you have no hope of ever delivering, at a more than reasonable price, to be paid for up front by unsuspecting f*cking idiots, like me. It’s quite simply genius and unless I’m prepared to fly to Kathmandu for the return of my £100, I’m f*cked. The only satisfaction I’ve ever had as a result of these scams is my eventual email to the perpetrator, Subject: You B*stard.

The problem is that we in the west have much higher expectations than our friends in the east. In India, you only have to read the first page of dummy’s guide to HTML and you’re classed as a Web Designer. This is evident if you’ve ever had anything developed in India and it comes back looking like a dog’s dinner. They just don’t GET requirements in western terms and it’s no wonder half the time because they can’t speak English, and yet as though part of some cruel f*cking joke, insist on communicating in ENGLISH. Needless to say, communication is awful but consistently awful, which remains the only thing they do consistently.

Disclaimer: I am only referencing every Asian or Eastern European person that works in the IT industry in Asia and Eastern Europe. I am not making a sweeping statement unless ‘sweeping statement’ could be interpreted by the words ‘every Asian or Eastern European person’. In any case, I make no apologies and only yesterday I insulted the monster that is Nikolai Valuev and if I’m not scared of him, so I’m certainly not scared of you.

Note to Nikolai Valuev: Should you ever read my review of your physical attributes, please email me at Michael@selfmademichael.com to arrange a suitable time for you to break my body in two. I promise I’ll wait in for you and won’t consider for one moment, leaving the country.

Michael

Business — No Comments
6
Nov 09

The Edinburgh Conman and His Wife

So, I’ve just finished a conference call with a well known liquidation company in London. Since the September 2008 realisation that I’d had my pants well and truly pulled down by an accomplished conman, I’ve taken it upon myself to make him pay. By this, I mean I’ve dedicated my life to collecting evidence and passing it onto the authorities, whilst also intimidating him by any means necessary within the confines of the law…..most of the time. The conference call also hosted a number of individuals that have been stupid enough to re-invest with this man on the basis of setting up another business venture with the objective of earning enough money to repay the original victims. Thankfully they have now seen the light (because every penny has disappeared mysteriously)  – it looks like this arsehole and his wife will be doing bird sooner rather than later. I can only hope his future cell mate is a 6’ 4” raging homosexual with a huge tool and a dose of the clap during a time that will be forever remembered in history as the great Vaseline famine of the 21st century.

Thinking about it, it would put an even bigger smile on my face if he (the raging homosexual) were to specialise in not taking no for an answer and thinks of physical rejection as nothing more than playful foreplay.

Michael

Business / Online Marketing — 1 Comment
29
Oct 09

An Adwords Specialist Contacts Me…

So it’s Thursday morning and I’m wondering where the week went, when I receive a phone call. Its a guy called Liam from this company or that and he doesn’t want to buy f*ck all, he wants to ruin my day by trying to sell me something. It’s not even something I would consider buying because its a complete scam and he thinks I’m just the dickhead to make his day. I’m not sure I’m more angry about it being a scam or that he thinks I’ll f*ucking fall for it.

Anyway, for those that don’t know, adwords is googles pay per click golden f*cking goose that allows them to place you right on the front page of relevant google searches. Anyway, its expensive and unless your website is out of this world or you’re a f*ucking genius, forget it, you’ll end up blowing more on adwords than you make in profit on any sales.

Anyway, he starts by reading out to me a carefully crafted script, designed to entice idiots like me into thinking this guy is the answer to all my prayers. He tells me intimate details about MY f*ucking adwords configuration as if he were logged onto it himself, and the convenient fact that its currently in a paused state because it near ruined me. I’m sure there is a data protection issue here, google, whereas some random schmuck called Liam can casually log onto my private adwords account and then have the cheek to contact me and offer to charge me to put it right. I wouldnt ask for my brick back if I threw it through someones window but I know a man that f*ucking would.

What is mildly amusing and really upsetting at the same time is that he then tells me my business has been specially selected by his company to receive their adwords services. I want to say ‘and what is your f*ucking selection criteria?, trawling pages 7, 8 and 9 on google and then looking for paused or stopped adwords accounts?’ Basically, these snakes are looking for companies languishing nowhere in google organic search listings and have, evidently unsuccessful adwords campaigns. Then they move in and promise the earth for a few hundred quid or more…..I never got to that stage, I politely told him to f*ck off.

On the plus side, I did receive an email about someone buying from me but as ever, his requirements are very bespoke and the last time I got an order like this it was a f*cking nightmare. It was an anniversary present for the customer’s husband and ended up costing me more than I made in profit. At least she liked the finished result, I f*ucking helped pay for it and the husband didn’t thank me either!

Michael