Sod it, I really cannot be arsed writing this update but have promised myself a large pizza once finished. I’ll focus on one or two things but on the whole my weekend was:
Thursday: Travelled to Manchester and stayed at the most inhospitable place on earth, my mother’s house. She really is the worst host ever, pretending to be happy to see me and telling me I should visit more often whilst at the same time trying to think of ways she can move house without f*cking telling me. Then you have my sister, who now lives with my mother due to being abducted by aliens 6 months ago and taken to their spaceship before having half of her brain removed. This isn’t actually what happened but her version of events is f*cking unbelievable.
My sister never leaves her room and is on edge constantly, like a coiled rattle snake that’s just detected a rat hovering around its territory. This occurred to me on Thursday evening as I was hovering around her bedroom door, building up the courage to enter her dominion. There is a strict code of conduct in her room, do not make eye contact, do not smile, speak when spoken to and whatever you do, don’t f*cking challenge her. I should point out that by ‘challenge’ I mean anything that is defined in the current code of conduct or the daily amendments of the code of conduct that she keeps to herself. So me being me, I walk in and break every rule before opening my mouth and f*ck me, it was a scene from the exorcist. She was climbing the f*cking walls and I contemplated throwing myself out of the 2nd floor window before bolting for the door.
The evening couldn’t get any worse, or so I thought. My mother and her new husband, Fred, tell me about their latest acquisition in their world of hospitality, a top of the range (their words), expensive (their words) air bed that will be sure to guarantee me a good night’s sleep. They’ve bought this f*cking contraption from the shopping channel, you know the script, the advert features a couple looking for a suitable bed for the guest room and they stumble across a conveniently placed demonstration of the new air bed from this manufacturer or that. They’re so made up with the demo they can’t wait to part with their cash. Anyway, there is a flaw with this particular bed and the manufactures f*cking know it. I can imagine the conversation between the manufacturer and the actors prior to filming the advert – (Manufacturer) ‘Now then John (actor), we’ve got one shot at this. You and the wife are walking around looking at beds and you stumble upon our presentation. We go through all the features and you’re really impressed and want to buy one, BUT JOHN, whatever you do, do NOT attempt to lie on the bed, you’ll f*cking ruin us’.
I kid you not, this new bed was a cross between a bouncy castle and a rodeo bull. The f*cking thing threw me off three times and I’ve never had to MOUNT a f*cking bed before, either. It had all the characteristics of a cheap hammock, whereas at any given moment you could land on your f*cking face. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep a wink.
Friday: Travelled back from Manchester, sleep deprived, very f*cking tired, M6 closed, lost in Birmingham area, traffic – bitch, seriously thought about digging out ‘Condor Man’ video to help rectify travel issues. Then realised, even if I did fabricate a working bird man suit and then find tall enough buildings in Southend and Manchester to launch from, how would I get the bird suit complete with ‘condor’ wings in any of the buildings’ elevators? I hate it when one of my ideas fails for no other reason than other peoples design flaws.
Pizza time,
Michael
Tags: Air Beds, Aliens, Brother, Exorcist, Fred, Manchester, Mother, Pizza, Sister, Traffic
You are HILARIOUS!
i love this one…